Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
