Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
