It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
