yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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