Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
