grandma shit on top of the toilet
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
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