Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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