If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
is that a dick in a sweater?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
