wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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