I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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