i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Randomize
