Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
