I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Text me some of your sweat
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