Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Terrible idea I love it
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
