My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
