hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
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