Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
if only i could text you this smell
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I'm really busy with my period
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