I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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