No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
