she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
it's like iHOP with fire
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
