it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
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For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
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Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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