sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
