You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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