Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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