i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
