Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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