did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
