$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
