She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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