Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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