How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
