how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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