: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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