I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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