So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
