remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
