Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
