Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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