So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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