coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
