I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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