what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
