im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
