Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
