I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
