Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
