Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
