I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Randomize
