I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
