Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
