The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Apparently you make a good broom.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
