YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
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There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
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Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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