so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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