I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
