i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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