Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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