he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
