I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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