I faked an abortion last night.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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