So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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