I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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