On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
