between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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