Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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